I stood in front of my bedroom mirror tonight and despite my best efforts, could not see my reflection. Depression has a way of making one disappear and today, you will not find me. Living with chronic pain has also crippled my mind as if a crippled spine was not enough to handle. I sit down and try to redirect my thoughts to a more positive place and finally find a trace of myself again.
My "Beethoven" baby was a ridiculously happy, easy and contented chap who when he started grinning at six weeks didn't stop for quite some time. Christian would break out into peals of laughter sometimes just catching a glimpse of my face, in fact, if I hadn't been so besotted with him, I might have developed a complex about it.
In the last month before he was born, I was the epitome of a nervous mother-to-be as not having any experience with babies, I felt very inadequate in this department. My mom, who didn't live in Calgary, didn't have the time off work to come and stay with me so I convinced my husband.. who was also dreadfully inadequate with children, that we would need a full time nurse for at least the first two to four weeks when the baby came home. So, it wasn't a surprise that my baby decided it would be best to stay in his mother's tummy an extra couple of weeks until the doctor forced him out.
It was a fast and intense labour, no epidural but not because I was brave but because the doctor's couldn't give me one because of my fused spine. Fortunately, I had a very special doula in the delivery room who gave me the strength to get through the pain- my aunt/sister/mother/best friend (our relationship is complicated) who was the first to hold him, tears streaming down her face. My poor husband, whom i had turned on in at the very end, yelling at him for not telling me that he had such a BIG HEAD, got to hold him second, cradling him gently. So, it completely surprised everyone who knew me that when this new mom, third in line to finally see the precious baby, gazed at her newborn's face- I fell not only in love but felt this overwhelming peace.
My darling grandmother was the first official visitor and when they placed my five-hour old baby son in her capable, loving arms, she gazed at him for the longest time, finally remarking through her tears that "Christian had the most knowing eyes for a brand new baby." Many people in the first few days noted the same observation of this beautiful baby with the solemn eyes, he already seemed to be having such deep thoughts for someone who had just arrived.
Three days later, a radiant new mother and her remarkable baby was driven home by my husband who after staying for a couple of hours left me happily alone in care of our new son. Well, that's not completely accurate, I did have two volunteer nurses who seemed rather incompetent with their overly enthusiastic approach and constant "checking up on" the baby until I finally raised my voice and told them to go lay down. They (my nurse dogs) weren't happy about that but after much sulking, they did agree to lie down on their blankets beside the bassinet. Our female sheltie dog, Stanzi was like a mini Lassie in both her looks and her intelligence and from that day forward whenever the baby cried, it was a race between her and I would look into the bassinet first. I often wondered if my "Beethoven" baby thought he might have two mothers, but considered that a plus that he was so well loved.
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